The Driftwood #13: The Trash Vortex

Movie Recommendations: Bad Romance

If you have been following The Driftwood for the last few issues, you may have seen the “Trash Vortex” in the seventh issue. The “Trash Vortex” is a segment where the Driftwood Team compiles a list of terrible entertainment options that they just can’t get enough of. We’ve decided to bring this segment back, and this issue’s theme is bad romance and/or Valentine’s movies to celebrate the upcoming holiday. Whether you’re single or taken, you can still appreciate how terribly addicting these movies are.

After We Collided is the second installment of the After series, based on a series of books by Anna Todd, and is somehow worse than the first After movie. It’s even more unrealistic than its predecessor, as Tessa works for one day as a paid intern for Vance Publishing, and is then asked to go on an executive business trip, and then doesn’t work again? This one is rated R, and it’s like the writer took that and abused the hell out of it, making every other word a swear word and adding a distasteful number of sex scenes. The acting is still bad, there’s a random car crash scene, Tessa and Hardin make up and break up, like, three times? And yet I still have to keep watching! Even if there weren’t a car crash in the movie, that’s how watching this movie makes you feel: you just can’t look away from the tragedy unfolding. I genuinely don’t know why I can’t turn it off—and even find myself wanting to watch it. Perfectly placed in the “Trash Vortex.” Available on Netflix. 

—Kira Doman 

Very, Very Valentine: Helen is a beautiful, shy, sweet young woman who runs a florist shop in Brooklyn, New York, and longs for love from afar. When she meets a handsome man at a glamorous masquerade ball and starts receiving Valentine gifts from a “secret admirer” soon afterwards, Helen is convinced she’s finally found her soulmate and enlists Henry, her loyal and lovable best friend, to help track down her “mystery man.” Will Helen succeed in finding who she believes is “Mr. Right”? Or maybe, she’ll realize that the perfect man for her has been right under her nose all along…. Starring Hallmark hearthrobs Danica McKellar and Cameron Mathison, ​Very, Very Valentine​ is the perfect stupid, cheesy movie to get you in the mood for February 14th! Airing Sunday, Feb. 14 on the Hallmark Channel at 9:53 p.m. and available to rent on various streaming sites

—Mallory Allen

Someone Like You: I don’t know why, but I can’t get enough of bad enemies-to-lovers rom-coms. Someone Like You is one of the best (worst?)—mostly thanks to Cranky Hugh Jackman (not to be confused with Overly Earnest Show-Tune-Singing Hugh Jackman). Ashley Judd stars as Jane Goodale, a TV talk show production assistant who has the blues after being dumped by her boyfriend. To make matters worse, she just broke her lease to move in with him. While wallowing in her homeless misery, she’s surprised to learn that bulls never, erm, “approach” the same cow twice. Bulls, she figures, are just like men—once the thrill of the chase is over, they move on to “New Cow.” She channels her fury over Ray into a magazine article on cows, bulls, and men under a pseudonym, which soon goes viral. Around the same time, her womanizer coworker Eddie tells her he’s in the market for a roommate. Lacking a better option, she moves in, sparks fly, and as Jane gets to know Eddie’s softer side, she realizes that maybe her theory is a bit too reductive. Will her rigid and insulting ideas on ruminants and men chase Eddie away? Or will she put aside her biases and allow herself to fall for the guy she’s long viewed as human embodiment of her New Cow theory? You’ll have to watch to find out, but be forewarned: I visited the film’s YouTube Movies page while factchecking this piece and immediately had one hour and 37 minutes of my life sucked away when I should have been grading things. Thanks, Cranky Hugh Jackman. Available free on YouTube Movies. 

—Tracy Fernandez Rysavy

“From the The Driftwood, a student-centered e-newsletter created by the students in Professor Tracy Fernandez Rysavy’s Practicum in Literary Publishing class.  The Driftwood goes out to the Marinette campus every two weeks, and you can find it online at”

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